Today Erik started his formal home dialysis training. Unfortunately they know of my existence so I am required to attend most of the sessions too. The nurse who is fabulous is breaking it out into multiple 2 hour early morning sessions so I can attend without
Bright and early this morning before my daily caffeine requirements had been met we started our first lesson. It literally started with "this is how a kidney functions" and I thought I was going to lose my mind. After listening for a while to what sounded like the teacher on the Peanuts I heard her mumble something about the government and signatures to acknowledge we received training and tests. Tests. That perked me up. If there was going to be a test I was going to get 100%.
I gave Erik a look that he understood well.
When Erik and I were in college we took quite a few classes together with the same Professor. We liked him, we got A's in his class, it was a no brainer. The Professor caught on that we were a tiny bit competitive. The fact that we both got A's on assignments was irrelevant. We were competitive down to the actual percentage. The Professor always handed out the graded papers at the beginning of class. On our last assignment in our last class ever before the final exam I got a 99%. Nothing was checked as wrong. There was no horrifying red pen marks on my pretty paper. It simply said 99%. I was confused and felt an aneurysm forming and quickly reviewed Erik's paper. He got a 98%. He did have one thing marked as wrong. However right next to that 98% score it said "plus 2 for good penmanship for a total of 100%." WHAAAAATTTTT? I lost my mind. Completely. Penmanship. We were not 7. I immediately launched into a diatribe and out of the corner of my eye I saw that Professor doubled over with laughter at his desk. With a glistening tear of joy in his eye. Sick sick man.
So that look I gave Erik? It said no points for penmanship here rookie.
As it turned out the entire lesson was written at the 5th grade level and we got to take the test together. And we got 100%. So, you know, if any of you want to know all about the kidney and infection prevention then by all means give me a call.
On Friday we get to practice setting up the machine, including connecting and disconnecting the tubes. Hands on training is right up my alley. I'll probably have 10 people hooked up and ready to go whether they need my assistance or not while Erik is carefully reviewing the manual.
Next Tuesday we meet with the dietician and the social worker. I think she needs to confirm that we can function in the real world with minimal assistance, that we won't use the medical equipment to cook meth, and that we aren't crazy. Erik suggested that when we talk to the social worker I just smile and nod so as not to trigger a 72 hour hold. I actually couldn't argue with this.
On Wednesday we will receive our first delivery of supplies. 50 boxes. The nice delivery man will carry them all upstairs and organize them in whatever fashion
On Wednesday or Thursday the nurse will conduct a home check. She needs to see that the house is clean (which of course it is, I pay a lot to ensure that), that we have adequate space for the equipment (uh sorry Stephanie, you got an apartment and all so about your room….) and that we don't live amongst garbage and clutter (I throw away things that people still want because I can't stand looking at it on my counter…yes mom, I blame you for this trait...so I'm pretty sure we won't actually get recommended to be on Hoarders).
Then, allegedly, that is it and we will be pushed out of the nest that is the dialysis clinic and into the real world where we have to figure all of this out at home.
If you are considering playing around in the market go ahead and buy stock in Purell and anti bacterial soap because after what I learned today I am totally going to become a germaphobe. I did get a 100% on the infection portion of the test you know.
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